what.

==The Tohts Travel to Belize==

In April 2007, the Tohts went to Belize. They climbed very high on top of rocks and temples, and smiled very wide as pictures were taken of them in triumphant positions. They ate well.

“Oh, ” said Sandee, “I’m getting fat.”

“Yes, ” said Michael, “it will be good to get back and go to the gym. I’d go jogging here, but you never know when these ‘poor’ people are going to kill you.”

One Sunday, Michael bought a vase.

==The Tohts Return to Waukesha==

The Tohts were very pleased that their flight was over. The stewardess had been less than kind. There was only one pillow for each person and the Tohts had to share a can of soda. All in all, it was a horrific experience that they would revisit with their peers for many years to come.

The vase was placed on the mantle next to the Parisian candlesticks, the rare Austrian blown glass purchased conveinently at a scheduled tour bus stop, and the African mask purchased on a whim at the Pottery Barn.

==The Tohts Seek Revenge==

After the long trip, the Tohts settled into their memory-foam couch.

Michael turned on his Ionic Breeze , but he still felt uncomfortable. “That was terrible,” he said. “Fine, upstanding people like us can’t be made to do such dull things.”

“I agree,” said Sandee, “but what are we going to do?”

“I’ve got it.” he said, “We’ll take it up with God.”

They drove their Hummer to Pottery Barn.

==Michael Buys the Sheets Anyway==

They had to circle the lot several times but they managed to find a reasonably sized spot within 10 feet of the store. Now, strolling about, Michael pointed out a silken pink pillow with yellow tassles which seemed both tasteful and definitive of his true character. Sandee, aghast at his choice, wondered if this was the same man she had married 26 years ago.

“I think these sheets would look mix very nicely with the blue comforter.” he said, “Do you think we should get matching pillow covers or jazz it up with a different pattern?”

“This isn’t working.” she replied.

“Well, we can keep looking but these are on sale and 300 thread-count. That’s just a good deal.”

“No.” she said, “I want a divorce.”

==The Tohts Spurn Convention==

After a mid-aisle tussle, the Tohts calmed, combed smooth their rumpled pants, and (making sure no one saw) whisked the broken pots beneath the shelves.

“I think someone without a degree can clean this up, ” said Michael.

“They probably don’t have a word for ‘broken’ in their language,” said Sandee.

They stood for a moment in contemplation of each other.

“I’m sorry,” said Sandee, “but it really is over.”

“Alright. We came here to see God anyway. Surely He can make right of all this,” said Michael.

They strode past the carpets, the Peruvian furniture, the Indonesian handcraft wheat-spun globes, the Chinese medicine balls, the bronzed replicas of original Transformer action figures, the clearly-imported but incongruous reed sculptures of dogs sitting up, birds on realistically rendered branches, and recently-weeping children being comforted by clowns with tiny red balloons; through all of it they did not waiver. As they approached, their wallets bulged. Their credit cards sliced through their pockets and purses, coming to rest on the imported Tibetan Yoga mats. Their cash swam out and spun around them, the bills hiding them from surrouding patrons, and the swirling dimes and quarters guiding them as they walked toward a bright light at the rear of the store.

They approached God. The cash fell away, leaving them naked before their lord.

“God?” they said, in unison. A voice eminated from the brightness.

“At the rate of 5 dollars a minute plus a one-time fee of two-hundred dollars (which I have already appropriated) … I am the Lord, Your God.” said God.

==The Tohts Strap Carnivorous Animals to Their Backs==

“God, my wife is leaving me, I keep getting terrible customer service, and I have these really long hairs on my nipples. What do I do?” said Michael.

“It’s true, God. Plus he has this weird mole on his inner thigh. Is that cancer?” said Sandee.

“Yes, it probably is.” God said.

The three stood there, each trying not to think about the growing malignancy on Michael’s inner thigh.

“And as for the nipple hair, that’s a sign of wisdom but I think I can help you with what you seek. You know, Moses also had troubles.”said God. God shuffled across the room and moved behind a modern-retro 1920s partition.

“Are those Docksides? I’ve been thinking of getting a pair myself.” said Michael, noticing God’s shoes.

“Yes, not only are they classic, but the craftmanship of the lacing system create an optimum fit and the non-slip traction means that I can run across any surface.” said God, “Ok! Here it is!”

God returned with a leopard craddled in his arms. “This is a leopard. You should wear it on your back. Here, try it on.”

The leopard stretched out its paws and cooed in God’s arms.

“Are you sure it’s safe for him to wear a leopard on his back? His doctor says he has sciatica.” said Sandee.

“Yes, its also good for lower back problems and gout. Here, take it.”

Michael put the leopard on his back and did several squats and lunges about the room.

“Say, that feels pretty nice. Really gives me some zing, don’t you think?”

“Looks great and he matches well with your khakis.” said Sandee. Watching Michael do lunges with a leopard clinging to his back, she was struck by how young and happy he looked. Maybe they should try couples counseling, she thought. “Do you have something that I could try on?”

“Well, I don’t recommend leopards for women…How do you feel about vultures? He is pretty light and you wouldn’t have to feed him much.” said God.

Sandee tried on her vulture and also began doing squats and lunges around the room. The couple were practically gleeful at their new accessories and promptly signed leases with God with the option to purchase. They also purchased a peasant mixing bowl made in Portugal.